Interview With the Devils
by Hyper Guyver
Summary: Follow along as I interview every character from the Diablo series. Barbarian interview now up. Please review.
1. Diablo

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Diablo or any of its characters or any celebrities; they are all property of Blizzard or themselves. I am merely using them in a humor manner, blah, blah, blah, and all that other useless crap to keep my ass from getting sued.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Welcome readers, I am Hyper Guyver! Today I will be interviewing the star of Diablo II, Diablo from the very pits of Hell.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Welcome Diablo, how are you this fine day?  
  
Diablo: I am fine, thank you.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So… How did this all start?  
  
Diablo: (sipping cup of coffee) Well it all started back with Satan, Ma, and a couple of matches. In several short millennia we had this. (Flames shoot up all around)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmm… interesting, how exactly do you fit in this?  
  
Diablo: Well it all started when Satan got Ma knocked up, as he so eloquently put it… "It went down hill from there."  
  
Hyper Guyver: hmmm… Mephisto being the oldest must have been pretty happy to here that.  
  
Diablo: Crap! Ya had to bring him into this, didn't you!  
  
Hyper Guyver: uhh… Something the matter?  
  
Diablo: Ever heard of the Atomic Wegdey?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Ouch! Doesn't sound pleasant.  
  
Diablo: Yeah and that lasted though high school.  
  
Hyper Guyver: I take it you didn't have a… how you would say it "happy child hood?"  
  
Daiblo: Not when you have the Lord of Hatred and the Lord of Destruction for brothers!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm… So exactly how was it like growing up?  
  
Diablo: Well… Being the youngest I was always the cutest and got the most attention, in that I was subject to wet wheelies, Atomic wedgies, swirlies, sarean rap around the toilet seat, and the ever popular hand in the warm water while you sleep.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Eeewww.  
  
Diablo: Yep…  
  
Hyper Guyver:… Moving right along. What is it you do down here exactly?  
  
Diablo: Well, usually I start the morning off with a brisk walk, move on to an early morning torture, wrap around lunch with a few human hearts… you know those things are full of protein…  
  
Hyper Guyver: So I've been told…  
  
Diablo: Next I Move on to killing the next moron who's trying to kill me, and then rap the day up in front of the TV. with an episode of Friends.  
  
Hyper Guyver:… (Stares blankly).  
  
Diablo:… uh… did I say Friends… I meant… uhh… the… Ozbournes… yeah, the Ozbournse.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Right…  
  
Hyper Guyver: So… how do things work down here?  
  
Diablo: Oh, that's a good question. Before it was just pitchforks and flames but since Bill Gate sold his soul we've really modernized. In fact most of our Fallen have been downsized to accountants.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Do you still steal souls at all?  
  
Diablo: Oh yes. But we've switched over to a credit plan now.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Credit plan?  
  
Diablo: Well you see, instead of just flat out taking their souls when we give them something, we have an interest plan were we take a small portion of their soul every month. Once we reach half way through, they take a hard hit form the tabloids, and then their career goes completely down the crapper from there. It's a lot more fun this way.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmm… interesting…  
  
Diablo: Yep… in fact Martha Stewarts coming along nicely. I'd give it two more years before the tabloids hit her.  
  
Hyper Guyver:…  
  
Diablo: Another one of our advancements was to hire more angels of death to knock off a few more of you people a year.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What?! Why?!  
  
Diablo: Are you kidding me? You people multiply faster than Demon Imps.  
  
Hyper Guyver:… Okay you got a point there. So… uh… is there a down side to your job?  
  
Diablo: Yeah… Everyday there's some @*#&$ing asshole who's trying to slay me to… (Quotation fingers) "Save the world." (End quotation fingers).  
  
(Suddenly door busts open, paladin Bursts in with sword and shield)  
  
Paladin: DIE YOU EVIL ABOMINASHON OF HELL!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey buddy; can you give us five minutes? Jeeze…  
  
Paladin: Oh… uh, sorry…  
  
(Paladin steps out)  
  
Diablo: So where were we?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… ah yes, what are your plans for the future?  
  
Diablo: Well… I think I'll do a little pillaging here, a little soul sucking there, maybe garb a martini at the end of the day…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmm... Interesting, so is there anyone special in your life at the moment?  
  
Diablo: Currently I'm not seeing anyone, but I've definitely got my eye on this little Amazon with this HHHHUUUGGGEEE rack.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Niiiiiiice…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well that's all the time we have for this interview, I'll see you back later when we interview Mephisto.  
  
  
  
Diablo: Is it over?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yeah, pretty much.  
  
Diablo: Ah, good. If you'll excuse me I've got some business to take care of outside.  
  
(Diablo leaves room, after door closes, you hear loud roar and crashing noises. Suddenly there is a loud human scream followed by a splat sound)  
  
Hyper Guyver:… Uh, until next time, good day and Good night. 


	2. Mephisto

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Diablo, or any blizzard characters… and all that other stuff I said in the first chapter.  
  
Welcome again readers, I am Hyper Guyver, and Welcome to the Hyper Guyver interviews. Since several of my friends have read my story, but didn't bother to review it… (Bastards…) they are obsessed with helping me interview the legions of Satan. Really, I know these two people in real life, and they really are as obsessed with death as they are made out to be to be in my story… if not more so…  
  
Mudy: Sup homie! Waz uuuuuuuuup!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Mudy what the hell are you doing here?! And what the hell is up with that Waz up? You're like the opposite of black!  
  
Mudy: Sorry, I was reading that how to make friends book again…  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh)  
  
Gabe: Hey Hyper Guyver.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What the hell are you two doing here! I have work to do!  
  
Mudy: We know; we heard you were interviewing Mephisto today. YOU ROCK MAN!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) Its bad enough I have to listen to your crap about Satan at school, now I have to deal with it at work?  
  
Gabe: Well… yeah.  
  
Mudy: And I don't think you can actually call it work, since your doing the interview in your living room.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (eye roll) just sit down and shut up!  
  
Mudy & Gabe: (Grumble…)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Welcome Mephisto, how are you today?  
  
Mephisto: Decaying quite nicely. Thank you.  
  
Mudy: MEPHISTO, YOU ROCK!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Shut up!  
  
Mephisto: Who the #&*@# are these guys?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Groupies…  
  
Mephisto: Really? Finally! I'm getting some Attention!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh?  
  
Mephisto: Finally! I get some fans of my own! Its always Daiblo this and Baal that! They both got their own games! What do I get? A stupid Act III in Kurast? Diablo has two games to himself, and Baal has his own expansion pack!  
  
Gabe: Its okay man. You'll get there… (Pats Mephisto on his decaying back)  
  
Gabe: eeeeeewwwww… (Wipes off hand.)  
  
Mephisto: Thanks; I needed that…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Moving right along…!  
  
Mephisto: Huh? Oh right. So where do we start?  
  
Hyper Guyver: uh… So, how was it like growing up with two of the Prime evils?  
  
Mudy: Yeah, that must I have been sooooooo cool!  
  
Mephisto: You wish. Diablo was the cutest and got all the attention, while Baal had middle child issues…  
  
Hyper Guyver: So what did you do?  
  
Mephisto: I tormented the crap out of the both of them. (Smiles to himself)  
  
Hyper Guyver: And where did that get you? Diablo gets to rule all of Hell, Baal is supposed to rule all of sanctuary, and what do you get; a small jungle in Kurast?  
  
Mephisto:...  
  
Gabe: Oooooh, diss!  
  
(Mephisto slaps Gabe)  
  
Mephisto: Excuse me; I need to check my contract for a second…  
  
All:…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, Mephisto…  
  
Mephisto: Ah Crap! I don't even get a trailer to myself… I even have to share my assistant with Anderial, who the #*($&# wrote this contract? I'm calling my agent!  
  
Mephisto pulls out cell phone and starts dialing)  
  
Mephisto: Jimmy? We need to talk about this contract…  
  
(Couple minutes later)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, Mephisto?  
  
Mephisto: (Grumble) Stupid bastard, that agents never going to get a job in this realm again.  
  
Mudy: You ask him.  
  
Gabe: No, you ask him.  
  
Mudy: No, you ask him!  
  
Gabe: No, You asked him!  
  
Hyper Guyver: What the hell are you two squabbling about?!  
  
Mudy: Uh… Mr. Mephisto, sir, uh, Gabe and I where wondering if… if…  
  
Mephisto: What?  
  
Mudy: Uh, if you… could tell us how to collect all of Khalim's Pieces in Act III?  
  
Mephisto: (Eye twitch)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, you guys may want to leave…  
  
Mephisto: (Eye twitch increases)  
  
Gabe & Mudy: (Gulp)  
  
Mephisto: RRRRAAAAWWWWWHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mudy & Gabe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Mudy & Gabe run away)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow, thanks.  
  
Mephisto: No problem.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well… moving on. What was it like being the first one killed in Diablo II?  
  
Mephisto: Very, Very, VERY, irritating.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (gulp) uh, okay…  
  
(Door bust open and paladin rushes in, AGAIN)  
  
Paladin: DIE SPAWN OF HELL!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: You again? Didn't Diablo kill you last week?  
  
Paladin: Uh… yeah, but I hit the ESC button on the key board of heaven…  
  
Hyper Guyver:…  
  
Paladin: Now die Mephisto!  
  
(Splat!)  
  
Paladin: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Hyper Guyver: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THE NEW SHAG CARPET! My moms going to kill me! Mephisto, do you realize how hard it is to get blood out of a WHITE shag carpet?!  
  
Mephisto: uh… sorry?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) I am so dead…  
  
Mephisto: uh… Are you not the least bit concerned that there's a dead paladin in your living room?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure… sure… I was more of a Druid fan myself anyways…  
  
Mephisto: Well… I guess I better be getting back to Kurast, those Zakarum aren't corrupt themselves.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yeah… sure, see you later…  
  
(Mephisto leaves, dragging Paladin corpse with him.)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Don't Drag it over the Carpet!  
  
Mephisto: oh… heh, heh… sorry.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) Stay tuned next time when I interview the last of the Prime evils… (Shudder)… Baal… Until then, good day and good night… 


	3. Baal

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Diablo or any Blizzard themes, but the interview idea is mine.  
  
Hello again readers, it is I Hyper Guyver, here once again to bring you hilarious interviews of your favorite Diablo characters. This week we will be interviewing the middle child of Hell's most dysfunctional family… Baal, Lord of Destruction. And Since the little incident with Mephisto last month, I don't think we'll have to worry about Mudy or Gabe again.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Welcome Baal, how are you?  
  
Baal: I am fine thank you.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well I guess we'll just get sta- No… No… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mudy: Hi Hyper Guyver.  
  
Gabe: What's up?  
  
Hyper Guyver: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?!!!!!  
  
Mudy: Why wouldn't we be here?  
  
Gabe: Yeah, we said we were here to help you interview Diablo characters.  
  
Hyper Guyver: But… but… Mephisto… last month…  
  
Mudy: Oh that? In apology, we sent Mephisto a basket of muffins.  
  
Gabe: Yeah, so now he made us official members of the "MEPHISTO FANCLUB"  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh dear God…  
  
Baal: Watch your mouth!  
  
Hyper Guyver: oh… Sorry Baal.  
  
Mudy: Anyway, were here to stay…  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Oh, fine…  
  
Gabe: OH MY GOD! IT'S HIM! IT'S REALLY HIM! THE LORD OF DESTRUCTION BAAL!!!  
  
(Mudy and Gabe get on their hands and knees and begin bowing)  
  
Mudy and Gabe: WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver:…..  
  
Baal: Uh… what are they doing?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Fans…  
  
Baal: Really? All right! I've been dying to… Well, dying again…. but anyways, I've been waiting along time to meet some fans. Before it was always Assassin this or Druid that… Well now it's MY turn!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really? I would have thought you would have a few more fans than these two morons.  
  
Mudy&Gabe: Hey!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Shut up and wait outside!  
  
Mudy&Gabe: Awwww…  
  
(Gabe and Mudy walk out of the room in a depressed hunch)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Finally… now we can get to work. So Baal, what do you think of-  
  
(Paladin burst in once again)  
  
Paladin: DIE BAAL!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (looks at watch) Wow, your early this time. What did you hit the ESC button early this time? (Man, I really need to get a security guard to keep this guy out… hint, hint to a specific one my reviewers…)  
  
Paladin: Huh? Oh, uh… yeah, they let me off early this time…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Do you think you could give us a few minutes?  
  
Paladin: I don't know…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… there's two human looking demons outside that door over there… you can slay them while you wait. (Hyper Guyver points to the door Gabe and Mudy walked through)  
  
Paladin: Uh… Okay!  
  
(Paladin walks happily through the door)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Heh, heh, heh, heh…  
  
Mudy&Gabe: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Hyper Guyver: So where we're we?  
  
Baal: You are so evil…  
  
Hyper Guyver: I learn from the best…  
  
Baal: Why thank you.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh? Oh… uh… sure, you're welcome… (Eye roll)  
  
Baal: So what's your question?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well now that Mudy and Gabe have wasted most of my interview time, I can only ask a few questions.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So Baal, what are you planning for the future?  
  
Baal: Well… Since I got my ass kicked in the expansion pack, I've been making some plans elsewhere.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really? Like what?  
  
Baal: Well, right now I've been talking to some writers and were in the works for a new T.V. series.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Interesting… what's it called?  
  
Baal: I came up with it myself… what do you think of… "Baal in the Middle"  
  
Hyper Guyver:…  
  
Baal: What do you think?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Who in their right mind would produce that?!  
  
Baal: The Fox network…  
  
Hyper Guyver: NOW it makes sense…  
  
Baal: Uh… I'm not sure what you meant by that… but we start production tomorrow.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Ooookay…. Uh… well I guess for my final question… at the end of the expansion pack, right before you were killed, you said something about "My bothers will not die in vain?"  
  
Baal: Oh that, that… that's just something we evil bastards of Hell say to make those uptight "Good Guys" worry about us coming back to life.  
  
Hyper Guyver: ooooooh.  
  
Mudy&Gabe: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow, those two are still alive? I'm impressed.  
  
Baal: Well I think I'll slip out before your Paladin friend slices and dices those two.  
  
  
  
Hyper Guyver: Sure… Well I guess that's all for now, stay tuned until next time when I interview the ARCHANGLE TRYEAL… sorry about the big type, heaven's got this class action suit about people not making a big enough deal about it. Oh well, until next time, good day and good night.  
  
  
  
(Gabe and Mudy bang on window)  
  
Mudy: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET US IN!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: See you later, everyone.  
  
(Hyper Guyver closes the drapes)  
  
Mudy&Gabe:AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	4. Tyreal

Disclaimer: Dear readers... Do you read these disclaimers? I don't, I could write an endless list of gibberish and none would be the wiser. So... Purple monkey up fun to now question right-turn little to we Lincoln blue run fire green... Now how's for creative writing?  
  
IMPORTANT!! READ THIS!!  
  
Hey I just fixed the ending paragraph of this interview, I apologize for it getting all scrambled up at the end. But I fixed it and I'll eventually have my Deckard Cain interview up eventually. And for those of you who have played War Craft, I now have a War Craft story up. Its not a funny interview story but I got one of those in the works as we speak. So read and enjoy.  
  
Real Disclaimer: To Red Lady: I am fully acknowledging the fact that you wrote Diablo's a Girl and that the plot of that interview story is yours. SO NOW YOU CAN'T SUE ME!! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.... Uh.... HA!  
  
But no really; I just really liked your interview and thought the Tyreal part of it was pretty good.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hello, and welcome once again readers to the Hyper Guyver interviews. Today's guest in our hellish series of pathetic misfit character is the worrier of heaven above. He's known to hell as Satan's pain in the ass, to humans, that character that never actually does anything to help you, and heaven's personal migraine, the one, the only, THE ARCHANGEL TYREAL!  
  
Tyreal: Thank you, thank you very much. (Waves to the audience)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Who are you waving to?  
  
Tyreal: The audience.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What audience? We're in my basement.  
  
Tyreal: Oh... uh, sorry.  
  
Hyper Guyver: All right then lets get started. So ARCHANGEL TRYEAL! Do I actually have to keep saying your name like that?  
  
Tyreal: Yep, it's in the signed contract we made before I agreed to this interview.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What's the point? All it does is make you out to be a bigger loser that than you already are.  
  
Tryeal: Bigger loser than I already am?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well come on; think about it, you never actually did anything really helpful. You left all the work to the mortals. You just stood there during the entire game, complaining about how we're running out of time and telling us to do all the work. I mean. would it have killed you to fight Izual for us?  
  
Tryeal: (Sigh) Will you drop the subject if I let you use my name in lower case?  
  
Hyper Guyver: ^_^  
  
Tryreal: So what do you want to know?  
  
Hyper Guyver: For starters...  
  
(Mudy and Gabe come bursting in)  
  
Hyper Guyver: What are you two doing here? I thought that Paladin killed you last interview.  
  
Gabe: He almost did... but then when he was chasing us and we lead him into a den full of Demon Lords.  
  
Mudy: They would have killed us too, but they said we were too scrawny to bother with so they took the Paladin and kicked us out.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So your telling me that even the minions of Hell don't want you around?  
  
Mudy: Uh... well, I wouldn't necessarily look at it that way.  
  
Gabe: Well, maybe they do, but... Hey wait a minute, is that the archangel Tyreal?  
  
Tyreal: Hello.  
  
Mudy: (Gulp) uh... Hyper Guyver, you didn't tell him about our little Alter of Darkness did you?  
  
Tyreal: Alter of Darkness?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) They're wannabe Satanists. But even the Goths won't take them.  
  
Mudy: Hey, it not our fault they don't understand real genius. How was anyone of us to know that Goths don't actually sacrifice baby lambs in a séance.  
  
Tyreal:...  
  
Hyper Guyver:.  
  
Tyreal: Hey wait a minute, did you say that you left a Paladin in a den of Demon Lords?  
  
Gabe: Yeah, why?  
  
Tyreal: 5... 4... 3... 2...  
  
(Paladin ghost burst into the room)  
  
Paladin Ghost: Uh, Mr. Tyreal... uh sir. Could you. you know.  
  
Tyreal: (Sigh) What's this make it? Your fourteenth, fifteenth?  
  
Paladin Ghost: uh... twentieth.  
  
Tyreal: (sigh) Hold on... (Tyreal pulls out a keyboard) Here we go. But this time, can you at least go a week with out getting your ass killed?  
  
Paladin Ghost: A whole week?  
  
Tyreal: (Sigh)  
  
(Tyreal pushes the ESC button)  
  
Paladin: (ZZZZAAAAPPPP) AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (cough, cough) Thanks sir.  
  
(Paladin crawls out of the room)  
  
Gabe: that was sooooo cool. But does it always have to be that painful?  
  
Tyreal: Actually it doesn't have to be painful at all. That Paladin just gets on my nerves.  
  
Mudy: Hmmmm... interesting...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Anyway... we were in the middle of an interview?  
  
Tyreal: oh right, what first?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well first lets start with...  
  
Mudy: Hey wait a minute! You did an interview with Red Lady once... I think it was called. DIABLOS A GIRL!  
  
Tyreal: Uh... can we not talk about that? It kind of... well doesn't bring back really good memories...  
  
Mudy: Because you dated her?  
  
Tryeal: Shut Up! I don't want to talk about it!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yeah, especially the fact that Red Lady can sue me?  
  
Gabe: Oh yeah, that...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Moving along... Tyreal, since were already running out of time I'll make this quick... what are your plans after Diablo?  
  
Tyreal: Well, I've been talking to some Blizzard executives and we're working out some ideas for Star Craft II.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Star Craft II?  
  
Tyreal: Yeah, were in the middle of figuring out if I'll replace Jim Raynor, or Zeratul...  
  
Hyper Guyver: But you're an Archangel, what does that have to do with Star Craft?  
  
Tyreal: I don't know... what does Red Lady have to do with your interview stories?  
  
Hyper Guyver:... uh...  
  
Mudy: HA! You stumped him! Suck on that Bitch!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Are you two still here?  
  
Gabe: Well yeah, we're else would we go?  
  
Hyper Guyver: How about your home? You know. where you sacrificed your cat for St. Patrick's Day.  
  
Tryeal: St. Patrick's Day?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Please don't get them started...  
  
Gabe: Well it all started back last St. Patrick's Day, when Mudy and I got drunk on goats blood and the cat was peeing on the carpet again, so.... blah, blah, blah, blah...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Sorry, I had to bleep out the rest of that just so the readers wouldn't loose their lunches.  
  
Tryeal: Dear God... that was disgusting... I'm getting the hell... oops, I mean the heaven out of here...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wait! I haven't finished asking my questions yet!  
  
(Tyreal Town portals out of Hyper Guyver's Basement)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Well, stay tuned next time when I interview the Horadrim Sage Deckard Cain. Just maybe we'll find out just how old he really is...  
  
Gabe: ...and then... one time at Satanist Band camp...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Shudder) Until next time, good day and good night...  
  
Mudy: ...then the cat peed all over the Alter of Darkness...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Shudder) 


	5. Deckard Cain

Disclaimer: I've decided to write my life's story instead of a disclaimer this time. I was born in a little village south of Moscow, were I proceeded to work my way across the boarder selling life insurance. But of course no one realized that there was no life insurance in southern Moscow, and I'm actually writing a loud of crap that not even true and you're not even going to bother to read. So... What's the point?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hello again, Hyper Guyver here, I am here once again to bring you another interview. Today's guest is the oldest character of Diablo... Deckard Cain.  
  
Cain: Stay a while and listen.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So Cain, lets get started. The first question everyone's been dying to know is... Just how old are you?  
  
Cain: oh, that's very simple, I'm thirty.  
  
Hyper Guyver:... thirty?  
  
Cain: yep.  
  
Hyper Guyver: B-but you look like you're a thousand years old!  
  
Cain: That's what you get when you spend too much time in the sun.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay, I know your lying. How old are you really?!  
  
Cain: Thirty...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Damn it! What's the point of telling people your thirty? I mean... wait... What's with the sports jacket?  
  
Cain: Nothing... Just something I picked out...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Aaaaalright... Hey, did you get your hair colored?  
  
Cain: Yeah, about that...  
  
Hyper Guyver: and... is that a hair piece?!  
  
Cain: (Rubs head) Oh, heh, heh, so it is...  
  
Hyper Guyver: What the hell is going on?! Wait a minute... Is that a Porsche in the drive way?!!!  
  
Cain: Yeah, got if for my birthday.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Porsche, hair piece, sports jacket, hair coloring, saying your thirty... OH MY GOD! YOU'RE HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS!  
  
Cain:... Shit.  
  
Hyper Guyver: All right, now how old are you really?  
  
Cian: Thirty...  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_-  
  
Cain: Thrity... thousand... four Hundred, sixty two... and a half.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Now were getting somewhere. So what have you seen in your thirty thousand years of life?  
  
Cain: This and that.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Care to be a little more specific?  
  
Cain: Uh... I once saw Anderial take her top off for beads at a Marti Grah back in 89B.C.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Interesting...  
  
Cain: Then there was the time at Diablo Fest, when Diablo bit the head of a live Death Lord.  
  
Hyper Guyver:...  
  
Cain: Then, there was this one time, when I was at a bachelor party and I saw Akara stripping. This was back in the day when she was DAMN FINE! Mmmm... Could she shake it or what...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Ooookay, that's really interesting in all, but all of those things could just as easily be found in "Demons Gone Wild 4".  
  
Cain: Hey, I have that one!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Right... Hey wait a minute...  
  
Cain: ?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Something's not right... I... I sense a disturbance in the force... It can only be...  
  
Mudy: Hey Hyper Guyver!  
  
Gabe: S'up bitch! How's it hangin?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (grumbles) I knew it was too good to be true...  
  
Cain: Wait, I know you two! You tried to set my cat on fire on some sort of Alter of Darkness!  
  
Gabe: uh, oh...  
  
Mudy: Well, we can explain...  
  
Cain: TIME FOR TALK IS OVER! THIS IS FOR MR. SKITTLES! (Cain creates a massive fire bolt in his hand and incinerates Gabe and Mudy)  
  
A/N: That one was for you YO-MAN.  
  
Hyper Guyver: WOW! How did you do that?!  
  
Cain: I used to live L.A.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm... Makes sense.  
  
Hyper Guyver: you have no idea, how long I've been trying to get rid of those two freaks, I mean-  
  
(ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  
  
Mudy&Gabe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: No... they wouldn't... they couldn't... they... THEY BROUGHT YOU BACK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mudy: Didn't you hear? Gabe and me have joined the world wide Tyreal fan club!  
  
Gabe: Yep, lifetime membership! And when they mean life time they mean LIFETIME.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Begins to cry) I was so close... So very close...  
  
Cain: Say, how many members are in this world wide fan club?  
  
Gabe: Uh, just us...  
  
Mudy: Yeah, so now were on the side of the light.  
  
Gabe: Yep...  
  
Hyper Guyver: So... No more death and killing and satanic stuff?  
  
Mudy: Oh, there defiantly going to be no more satanic stuff.  
  
Gabe: yeah, but we're not so sure about the killing.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh?  
  
Mudy: Well, there still are all those heathens out there that must be brought to the light.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Why do I suddenly feel like I know where this is going...  
  
Gabe: Yes, the "Purification" of the TRUE believers.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Grumbles) I hate it when I'm right.  
  
(Gabe and Mudy switch into white ropes and hold torches)  
  
Mudy: We must now purify the land.  
  
Cain: Hmmm... You know, those ropes remind me of something?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Religious extremists?  
  
Cain: Well actually they sort of did. The guys that were chasing me and a couple of my buddies a while back did have flaming crosses.  
  
Hyper Guyver:...  
  
Cain: In fact, they were all completely covered, head to toe in white bed sheets.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, Cain, these guys; did there name by any chance start with a "K"  
  
Cain: Well, actually yeah, they did. I think it was KKR... KTK... or something. I forget.  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O  
  
Cain: Anyways, they were chasing us for some reason, I can't quite remember. I think they just really like Halloween or something, because they even got their horse covered in bed sheets as well.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Riiiiiiight.  
  
Gabe: Well any way, we must be off. There's a lot of purifying to be done.  
  
Hyper Guyver: WAIT! Hold on a second. (Scribble something down on a piece of paper)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Here, take this, and go straight to where it leads.  
  
Mudy: Okay... Well, so long.  
  
(Gabe and Mudy finally leave)  
  
Cain: So what was on that paper?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Just directions to a place where two nut job religious fanatics will be happy, and hopefully out of my hair for the rest of their lives.  
  
Cain: Where?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Jerry Farewell's house.  
  
Cain: Ah, wisdom my boy, your using the wisdom.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yeah, what ever. Say, something still wrong...  
  
Cain: what now?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Something else usually happens right now, but I can't quite put my finger on it...  
  
(Paladin burst in)  
  
Paladin: DADDY!  
  
Cain: Shit.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Daddy?  
  
(Paladin hugs Cain)  
  
Paladin: Daddy I missed you so much!  
  
Cain: (Gasp) what ever...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Cain, the Paladins your son?!  
  
Cain: Unfortunately  
  
Paladin: Yeah I his son! Can't you see the resemblance?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Other than the fact that your both black. Not really.  
  
Paladin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well for one thing, Cain is wise and all knowing, while you're a complete imbecile.  
  
Paladin: Oh, right...  
  
Cain: (looks at his new Rolex) Oh, look at the time I better get going.  
  
Paladin: OOOOh, daddy can I please drive the Porsche? PPPPPPLLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE?  
  
Cain: No! Now shut your trap and get in!  
  
(Paladin and Cain drive off)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, I really didn't see that coming... Well coming up next, I interview... (Shuffles through papers) ALL RIGHT! THE AMAZON! OH YEAH! Well, until next time good day and good night.  
  
Paladin: Daddy can I ppppplllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeee drive the Porsche?  
  
Cain: NO! (Smacks Paladin upside the head) 


	6. Amazon

Disclaimer: Like you honest to god, read these disclaimers...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey there everyone! It the one... The only... Your favorite interviewer and mine... BARBARA WALTERS. wait... Barbara Walters?! (Sigh) Okay who's been messing with my note cards?! Well anyways... It is I, Hyper Guyver your 1# Interviewer (Barbara Walters can kiss my ass...) Anyway, I'm here once more to bring you another fabulously wonderful interview (My Therapist says I'm starting to get egotistic, what do you think?) Well, here it is, my interview with... THE AMAZON! (sigh) and Yes Red Lady you were right... I'm going to mention what you think I'm going to mention... a lot! _^  
  
Hyper Guyver: Anway... On with the interview!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hello Amazon.  
  
Amazon: S'up...  
  
Hyper Guyver:...  
  
Amazon: Uh, are you going to get on with the interview?  
  
Hyper Guyver:...  
  
Amazon: Hello? Anyone home? (Waves hand in front of Hyper Guyver's face)  
  
Hyper Guyver:... (Droooooooooooooooooooooooooooool)  
  
Amazon: I SWEAR TO GO, IF YOU DON'T RAISE YOUR EYES TEN INCHES HIGHER FROM WHERE THEY'RE LOOKING I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh? Oh, uh... sorry...  
  
Amazon: (ahem) Now the interview?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh uh, yeah, let's see... (Shuffles paper) uh... (drooooooooooooooool)  
  
Amazon: (Sigh) (Slaps Hyper Guyver across the face)  
  
(Hyper Guyver goes flying through the air and gets knocked out for several minutes)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, sorry... heh, heh...  
  
Amazon: Heres the deal, if you can go a whole five minutes without looking at my breasts, I flash'em.  
  
Hyper Guyver: REALLY?!!!!!! (Ahem) okay then... Shit, being a horny sixteen year old is really going to make this a hell of a lot harder...  
  
Amazon: Well?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay, lets do this... First question... (Looks Amazon straight in the eyes and NOWHERE ELSE...) What was it like fighting the three prime evils?  
  
Amazon: Kind of a breeze really.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really? I would have thought it would have been harder.  
  
Amazon: Well... Sort of, if would have gone by without a hitch but the group I was in had this one Paladin that was a complete Imbecile.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Sounds familiar...  
  
Amazon: Well anyway, this big dumb guy, I think he was a Barbarian or something, I don't know, did Most of the grunt work in the quest. All I had to do was shoot at stuff from a distance with my bow and arrow. (Shows off the bow)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow, that's really neat. Are you good?  
  
Amazon: Pretty good. I can nail a guy in the crotch from almost two hundred yards away.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Gulp) Okay then...  
  
Amazon: ^_^  
  
ONE MINUTE DOWN, FOUR TO GO  
  
Hyper Guyver: Next question, how did you get along with the other member of the group?  
  
Amazon: If you could call what it was "Getting along"  
  
Hyper Guyver: So you didn't get along?  
  
Amazon: Well, the Paladin was an Imbecile, the Barbarian was a big dumb guy, The assassin was boy crazy, the sorceress was an uptight bitch, the druid was a pervert, and the Necromancer was on drugs... Speed or pot or something. He said, "It helped him communicate with the dead."  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm... By the sounds of it, how did you guys ever get anything done?  
  
Amazon: Actually, I don't quite remember, even though I fought the demons from a distance with my bow, I kept taking a lot of blows to the head...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really?  
  
Amazon: Oh wait, I remember now! Those blows didn't come from demons, they came from the sorceress. She and I didn't exactly "get along"...  
  
Hyper Guyver: I see...  
  
TWO MINUTES DOWN, THREE TO GO  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, after you defeated the prime evils, what did you do after that?  
  
Amazon: For starters, I got the hell away from that pack of freaks. Then I went home to do some Playstation, watched Lord of the Rings acouple of times, hit a couple of comic shops, watched every episode of Star Trek that I recorder while I was away and did some more Playstation... And that was about it.  
  
Hyper Guyver:... Marry me.  
  
Amazon: Huh? What was that?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, nothing...  
  
THREE MINUTES DOWN, TWO TO GO  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, I hate to bring this up, but this was this question was asked by a number of readers.  
  
Amazon: What?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, are those real? (Still looking her straight in the eye.)  
  
Amazon: I guess you'll find out in about two minutes...  
  
Hyper Guyver: ((((O_O))))  
  
THIRTY SECONDS LEFT TO GO  
  
Amazon: Jeeze your extremely eager.  
  
Hyper Guyver: My parents are incredibly strict; I couldn't sneak porn in my house if my life depended on it. Hell, the day before I turned thirteen, I still wasn't allowed to watch PG-13. (Grumbles) And since I'm not yet 17, I still haven't seen an R rated movie... And the fact that 16 doesn't help.  
  
Amazon: No kidding. Hey your shoes untied.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh? (Looks down at his shoe)  
  
Amazon: HA! You looked!  
  
Hyper Guyver: WHAT?! B-but I just looked down at my shoes...  
  
Amazon: yeah, but in the process you got a glimpse by breasts, and you know the rules.  
  
Hyper Guyver: But... But... But...  
  
Amazon: By the way your shoe really is untied. Just to prove I wasn't tricking you.  
  
Hyper Guyver: But... But... But... (Sigh) The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if-  
  
Mudy: Hey Hyper Guyver! Who you talking to... (Drooooooooooooooooooooooooooool)  
  
Gabe: What's wrong Mudy? What are you looking at- (Drooooooooooooooooooooooooool)  
  
Amazon: (sigh) Hey boys... If you don't stop looking at my chest, I may just have to just cut of your balls. (Think maybe she's starting to get pissed?)  
  
Hyper Guyver: No kidding, she'll probably do it.  
  
Mudy: We don't have to worry.  
  
Gabe: Yeah, we took care of it.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What do mean?  
  
Mudy: Gabe and I are now UNICS!  
  
Hype Guyver: O_O  
  
Amazon: O_O  
  
Hyper Guyver: W-why?!  
  
Gabe: Well, we just wanted to prove our true allegiance to the Light.  
  
Hyper Guyver: BY CHOPPING OFF YOUR OWN BALLS?!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mudy: Well it seemed like a good idea at the time...  
  
Hyper Guyver: The Tyreal fan club doesn't make this a mandatory thing does it?  
  
Gabe: No, just something we thought up...  
  
Hyper Guyver: So let me get this straight... You, VOLUNTARILY... Cut off your balls?!!!!!  
  
Mudy: Seemed like a good idea at the time...  
  
Hyper Guyver: WHAT TIME COULD POSSIBLY BE A GOOD TIME TO THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO CUT OF YOUR BALLS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Gabe: Well it was the night we where finishing off the last of our Goat's blood beer...  
  
Mudy: Yeah, didn't want the stuff to go to waste...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Hey what are you laughing at?  
  
Amazon: (sprawled on the ground laughing) Its just... HA HA HA HA HA! YOUR OWN BALLS! HA HA HA HA HA!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Alright time for you two to go!  
  
(Hyper Guyver shoves Mudy and Gabe outside and into oncoming traffic)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Now where were we?  
  
Amazon: You were crying over how you weren't getting any.  
  
Hyper Guyver: I was? Well... Okay. (Begins to sob) I was sooooooo close... (sobs louder)  
  
Amazon: Wow, if it really meant that much to you... (Amazon flashes Hyper Guyver)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Gets to his knees) So... Beautiful...  
  
Amazon: Well, if that's it, I'll being going now, just got latest "Final Fantasy."  
  
Hyper Guyver:... Marry me.  
  
Amazon: Huh? What did you say?  
  
Hyper Guyver: uh, nothing...  
  
(Amazon leaves)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, in retrospect, that didn't turn out so bad... Lets take a look at who I'll be interviewing next... (Shuffles cards) The Paladin? Screw that! (Throws note card in trashcan) Hey wait a minute... The Paladin didn't show up for once! All Right-  
  
Paladin: Wait I'm right here!  
  
Hyper Guyver: What? Where the hell did you come from?!  
  
Paladin: Oh, I kind of got locked out for a while. Someone put deadbolts on all the doors.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really? I wonder who? (Rolls eyes) Anyway... Hey! Is that a rogue demon running through the streets over there?!  
  
Paladin: What?! I must put a stop to it! (Runs outside and into the middle of traffic. Gets hit by car)  
  
Hyper Guyver: That should keep him out of my hair for a while... Anyway, lets see here, whom will I interview next? (Shuffles through cards) the Assassin? Alright!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, now that I got that settled, wait until next time when I interview the Assassin. Good day and good night...  
  
(Hyper Guyver looks a his bruise in the mirror)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey the Amazon left me her phone number! Hey and she wrote it on the bruise she gave me... Wow! Just how long did she knock me out?!!!!  
  
  
  
A/N: Hey! If you review my story, could you help me with something? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO ADD PEOPLE TO MY FAVORITE AUTHORS LIST FOREVER, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW!!! COULD SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR MONTHS! MONTHS!!!!!!! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME! (damn, now I just sound pathetic...) 


	7. Assassin

Disclaimer: If you're actually bothering to read this, then when you review my story, write, "Ding dong, my brain is gone." And I'll give you a pretty good-sized mention in my next chapter.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey all! It's me, Hyper Guyver. Bringing you another interview. Also, thanks to Moon song and Red Lady for helping me with the favorite author thing. And I now have a favorite authors list! And sorry Diablo-2-Freak, The Amazon's number is all mine! MINE!! But anyway... Today's guest is the silent, shadowy, killer of sanctuary herself, the Assassin!  
  
Assassin: Hey you're cute.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really?! (Ahem) I mean, uh, we better get started.  
  
Assassin: (Sigh) Ooooookay...  
  
Hyper Guyver: o_O  
  
Hyper Guyver: Anyway, lets begin with where you come from.  
  
Assassin: Can't tell you it's a secret, you know assassin order stuff.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay, how about... How did you get started on this quest?  
  
Assassin: Can't tell you, it's a secret.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm... okay, what about your friends?  
  
Assassin: Can't tell you, it's a secret.  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_-  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay, then...  
  
10 HOURS LATER...  
  
Hyper Guyver: FOR CHRIST SAKE IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN TELL ME THAT'S NOT A SECRET?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Assassin: You can ask me what my favorite color is.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) Okay then, what's your favorite color?  
  
Assassin: Black.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Black?! With all the black assassin armor you wear, an idiot could have figured that out!  
  
Assassin: True, but there was this one really dumb Paladin that couldn't figure it out.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So your telling me you think I'm dumber than the Paladin?!!!  
  
Assassin: Uh, no?  
  
Hyper Guyver: That's what I thought.  
  
Assassin: Though he was really cute...  
  
Hyper Guyver: So I guess what the Amazon said about you being boy crazy was true then?  
  
Assassin: (Sigh in a girly way) boys...  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- Okay...  
  
Assassin: The Paladin and the Druid were cute, but the necromancer was creepy. Though the Paladin was dumber than a doorknob and the Druid was such a pervert.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So I've been told...  
  
Assassin: So now I've got my eyes set on the Barbarian.  
  
Hyper Guyver: The Barbarian? But, he's probably the one person on earth dumber than the Paladin! I mean... He's big, clumsy, and most of all... DUMB!  
  
Assassin: (In dreamy tone) Mmmm... Yeah, he is big...  
  
Hyper Guyver: ? Huh? What do you mean he's... (Sigh) He's got a huge (#%&@* doesn't he?  
  
Assassin: (Smiles evilly)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Grumbles) "Size isn't everything" my ass...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Jeeze, didn't I realize just how boy crazy you really were...  
  
Assassin: Hey! I do other things other than boys!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (snickers) You DO other things than boys?  
  
Assassin: Yes, I do. What's so funny about that?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Nothing... You can DO whatever you want. (Snickers again)  
  
Assassin: Damn straight!... Wait a minute... (POW!)  
  
Hyper Guyver: OW!!!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!  
  
Assassin: You're almost as bad as the druid!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Fine... Jeeze...  
  
Assassin: I'd watch myself if I were you. I know many types of martial arts.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Puts ice pack on eye) Like what?  
  
Assassin: I know... Tai Kwan Do, Tai Chi, Mute San, Jay Ford, Fung Fu, Kung Fu, Mung Fu, Wung Fu, Who Fu, What Fu, Why Fu, How Fu, Where Fu, Win Sun, How Cho, Ach Hoo...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Bless you.  
  
Assassin: That wasn't a sneeze.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh...  
  
Assassin: Anyway... Mi Yung, Tai Ho, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Rev Mu, Ciow Dong, Ivo Tu Tankle...  
  
Four Hour Later...  
  
Assassin:. and a little kick boxing.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Snore)  
  
Assassin: (Ahem)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Snore)  
  
Assassin: (AHEM)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (snore)  
  
Assassin: (POW!!!)  
  
Hyper Guyver: OW!!!!! STOP DOING THAT!!!!  
  
Assassin: What? You were snoring.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Don't forget whose in charge of this fantasy world!  
  
Assassin: Oh and what can you do?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Pulls out Key board and begins typing)  
  
(Legion of Harems appears and surrounds Hyper Guyver)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Ah, having my own little fantasy world is sweet.  
  
Hyper Guyver's Mom: (AHEM!)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh shit, (Types on keyboard)  
  
(Legion of Harems disappears.)  
  
Assassin: Is that it?  
  
Hyper Guyver: No, just wait...  
  
Mudy: Hey Hyper Guyver, it's us, Gabe and Mudy! And look, we brought the Paladin with us!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (click)  
  
Mudy, Gabe, Paladin: (BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyve: ^_^  
  
Assasin: O_O uh, (gulp) okay... (Beeper goes off) Oh look, the Barbarian actually learned how to use a phone and wants me to call him! SEE YA!  
  
(Assassin runs off)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, I guess that's it for that. Next time we'll be interviewing the Druid. So stay tuned next time and Good day and good night! 


	8. Druid

Disclaimer: WHAT'S THE POINT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've already got a disclaimer in the first couple of chapters, I DON'T NEED ANOTHER!!!!  
  
Well, congratulations to CHAZBONE, DIABLO-2-FREAK, and QUALINESTI for finding the secret phrase of the day! "Ding Dong, my brain is gone." Good eye you two, and I guess that gives proof that someone out there actually reads my disclaimers. Well, congratulations again to CHAZBONE, DIABLO-2- FREAK, and QUALINESTI!  
  
Personal note: To Red Lady, Hmmm... H.G... I like it! And I definitely don't think I'll be getting that medal for not being scared. And your going to get me?! I thought we were friends! (Cries uncontrollably.) Oh, and one more thing, your druid maybe a pervert, but MY druid is RREEAALLYY a pervert. Just scroll down to find out. Also, to Margoon, I'm not sure if I should be happy that you know who I really am, or be scared that there is someone out there stacking me. Just to make things interesting, I'll go with the later... Ahhhhhhhhhhh... Help me!!!! (Just kidding Margoon) And yes, we now have spy against Red Lady! HA HA! Good Work Diablo-2-Freak! Uh oh, I hope Red Lady isn't reading this... ABORT DIABLO-2-FREAK! ABORT MISSION! (Just kidding Red Lady, we're all still on the same side... for now. Laughs evily... COUGH, COUGH!!! Shit, my doctor told me to stop doing that...)  
  
Okay start here to read the actual story:  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hello. Do not attempt to adjust your computer. I am in control now. I control the horizontal... the vertical... the diagonal... and Dick Clark... I am doing my incredibly weak impression of the opening credits of the "Outer Limits". Hopefully to boost reviews... and possibly sell a snow blower (passes picture around) thirty bucks, slightly used... Today, within the dark neither of my twisted mind, I bring you...  
  
THE HYPER GUYVER INTERVIEWS!!! Today's guest is nature boy himself... The druid!  
  
Druid: S'up.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey druid, how's it going?  
  
Druid: Tight, just hangin in my crib, with some of my home boys...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, okay. So druid, what's it like transforming into animals.  
  
Druid: Is tight, through the flea's tent to bug me.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm... And you can actually control nature?  
  
Druid: Straight up! Me and nature... Were like that. (Does some kind of gesture with his hands.)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Right... Uh, what was it like working on the quest to destroy Diablo?  
  
Druid: Diablo? Ha! Bitch didn't know what hit him!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh... Right. How did you get along with the other members of your party.  
  
Druid: Is cool... Paladin was dumber than dirt and the barbarian just below him, but the kicks came from the Amazon, Assassin, and Sorceress, Them's DAMN FINE!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay... Some of the other's said you were somewhat of a pervert.  
  
Druid: Jeeze, you videotape the assassin taking a bath in the lake and suddenly you're a pervert.  
  
Hyper Guyver: You videotaped her?  
  
Druid: Yeah, I'm making DEMONS GONE WILD 5.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Cool, can you get me a copy?  
  
Druid: Yeah, sure. Though I would have had it done by now, but he Amazon kept breaking my camera.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Why did she keep doing that?  
  
Druid: Nothing big, I was just taping her changing...  
  
Hyper Guyver: You taped her changing and YOU'RE STILL ALIVE???  
  
Druid: Well, I kind of lucked out. Right after she smashed my camera, she was about to kill me but all of sudden the sorceress was up in her face. Then they got into a fight.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What happened after that?  
  
Druid: What do you think? I pulled out a spare camera and video taped it.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm.. You know I actually got the Amazon's phone number.  
  
Druid: Really! Technically I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of her. (Pulls out restraining order)  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O  
  
Druid: Though I might warn you. She does get a little clingy.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Clingy?  
  
Druid: Check your message machine.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (hits play button)  
  
(beep) 8-19-02 Hey Hyper Guyver, it me, Amazon, please call.  
  
(beep) 8-20-02 Hey Hyper Guyver, its me again. I really hope you call.  
  
(beep) 8-21-02 Hyper Guyver it me. Why haven't you called? It's getting really lonely with me by my little o'l self.  
  
(beep) 8-22-02 It me. Lets get to the point, I'm horny and alone, call me.  
  
(beep) 8-23-02 Me again, I'm naked and alone. Call me!  
  
(beep) 8-24-02 I'M NAKED, HORNY, ALONE, AND I'VE GOT STRAWBERRIES! CALL ME!!!  
  
(beep) end of messages.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What's today's date?  
  
Druid: uh, the 24th.  
  
Hyper Guyver: SEE YA!!!  
  
(Hyper Guyver runs out the door)  
  
Week Later....  
  
Hyper Guyver: (comes in through the door) What? Your still here?  
  
Druid: Well, I wasn't exactly sure when you were coming back.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Do think the fact that I didn't come back after the first couple of days was a clue that you should have left?  
  
Druid: You actually spent the whole week there?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Apparently, among Amazons. The male to female ratio is 1 to 1,000. Apparently she was making up for "lost time."  
  
Druid: HA! YOU DA MAN! (High Fives Hyper Guyver)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed.  
  
Druid: But it's two in the afternoon, and haven't you been in the bed for the last seven days?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Do think she actually let me sleep in all that time?!!  
  
Druid: Damn... Well then see Ya.  
  
(Druid walks out. Leaving the huge mess he made in my house, behind him.)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Well, anyways. I suppose that's it for this interview. Stay tuned next time when I interview... (Yawn) I guess... Anderial. Well Good day and (Yawn) Good night.  
  
  
  
  
  
Mudy: Hey! How come we weren't in this interview?!  
  
Gabe: Yeah, I'm starting to think Hyper Guyver doesn't apperiate us.  
  
Mudy: You know what, we should start our own show!  
  
Gabe: Yeah, The Gabe and Mudy interviews!  
  
Mudy: You mean The Mudy and Gabe interviews!  
  
Gabe: Whatever...  
  
Paladin: Hey, can I join your little interview thing?  
  
Mudy: Do you have an experience as an interviewer?  
  
Paladin: No  
  
Gabe: Intelligence?  
  
Paladin: Uh...  
  
Mudy: I guess that's a no...  
  
Gabe: Your perfect!  
  
Mudy: Yeah, lets go to Hyper Guyver and show him how we don't need him anymore!  
  
All Three: RIGHT!  
  
(Banging on Hyper Guyver's door)  
  
Mudy: Hey Hyper Guyver! We have something we want to tell you!  
  
All Three: YEAH!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Yawn) (click)  
  
All Three: (BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Yawn) (scratches ass and goes back to bed)  
  
And finally, to Margoon... I DO NOT TALK TO MYSELF!! I may occasionally make sound effects to the little stories I play out in my head.(TOO MUCH INFORMATION! TO MUCH INFORMATION!)... Well okay, MAYBE I talked to myself... Rarely.(SHUT UP YOU FOOL!) But it's not like I do it anymore... Well, maybe occasionally. (SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!) HEY! Stop that! (Sorry...)... Uh... I guess this little episode really isn't helping my case... (Then I guess you better stop talking now, shouldn't you wiseass.) HEY! Dr. Folden told you to stop calling me that! (Oops... Heh, heh, heh...)  
  
Oh... This really isn't going to make me look good... 


	9. Andarial

Disclaimer: Okay... I'll make this clean and clear... I DON'T OWN DIABLO!!!! (God knows I wish I did... who knows how much cash I could be making...)  
  
Hello everyone! Yes it is I! The fabled Hyper Guyver! Here to bring you yet another impossibly funny interview!(Man, do I have an ego or what) So on to the interview!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hello everyone, It is I, Hyper Guyver! And Welcome to the HYPER GUYVER INTERVIEWS!  
  
(Crowd Cheers)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Thank you... Thank you... Now lets welcome our guest for today, the Mistress of Misery herself, Andarial!  
  
Andarial: Thank you, its... Uh, nice to be here...  
  
Hyper Guyver: What's with the awkward pause?  
  
Andarial: Well...  
  
Hyper Guyver: What?!  
  
Andarial: Well, when I agreed to do this interview, I thought our location would be some what... More sophisticated.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What's that suppose to mean?!  
  
Andarial: uh, something better than your kitchen.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh come on its not that bad!  
  
Andarial: I can see the flies swarming around the pile of dishes in your sink.  
  
Hyper Guyver:...  
  
(Ten minutes later)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (throws dish rag away) There you happy now.  
  
Andarial: much.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) Okay, on with the interview... First question, Uh... Why... Uh...  
  
Andarial: What?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Why are you so... Uh... Dressed...  
  
Andarial: WHAT?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, have you taken a look in the mirror lately?  
  
Andarial: Where are you going with this?  
  
Hyper Guyver: well... Do you think that a mini bikini top is appropriate daywear?  
  
Andarial: Uh...  
  
Hyper Guyver: And I don't really think it goes well with the... Uh... Hoofs and spider stingers...  
  
Andarial: Grrrrrr...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Please don't kill me.  
  
Andarial: Your really pushing it pal!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (gulp) On to the next question... What's it like being the mistress of misery?  
  
Andarial: Its actually quite fun.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really?!  
  
Andarial: yep, you'd be surprised at how good you can feel about yourselves, after you've sucked the last bit of joy and happiness out of someone and turned them into a pathetic blob of self-pity and loathing. ^_^  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, right... Next question, how did it feel when you got your ass kicked by the Diablo Dream Team?  
  
Andarial: Actually it was quite embarrassing.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Embarrassing?  
  
Andarial: I mean, who wouldn't be humiliated after getting their ass kicked by that group of morons.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh come on, it couldn't have been that bad.  
  
Andarial: Are you kidding me? The druid kept throwing beaded necklaces at me to take my top off for something called 'Demons Gone Wild'...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (point to the window) Hey what's that?  
  
Andarial: (looks out window) Huh?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Grabs 'Demons Gone Wild 5' and hides its) Huh, must have been my imagination...  
  
Andarial: Uh, anyways, what was even worse, was the Paladin! The guy was almost as dumb as the Barbarian! And the Amazon was a nightmare! I don't know if she was PMSing or something, but jeez, what a bitch!  
  
Hyper Guyver; Uh...  
  
Andarial: And I'm not even going to get you started on the sorceress...(Grumbles 'Bitch' under her breath)  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O Uh...  
  
Andarial: And that stupid Necromancer! Grrr... The pot he sold me was crap! It was the worst stuff I've ever used!  
  
Hyper Guyver: The Necromancer was selling you pot?!  
  
Andarial: Yeah, he says it helps him "Communicate with dead spirits" I think the only thing dead with that guy is his brain.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay, moving along...  
  
Andarial: Hey where are those two dips that keep bugging you?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Mudy and Gabe?  
  
Andarial: Yeah.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, I have no idea... (looks away innocently)  
  
(In Hyper Guyver's basement)  
  
Mudy: (tied up) Mmmph!!!! Mmmph! Mpph!  
  
Gabe: (tied up) MMMMM!!! MMPH! HM!  
  
Paladin: (Has chewed threw his gag) (singing) I have a lovely bunch of cocoa nuts, diddily diddly dee, here they are standing in a row, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head...  
  
Gabe and Mud: MMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
(back up stairs)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (whistles innocently)  
  
Andarial: O_o  
  
Hyper Guyver: Anyways, do you have any plans for the future?  
  
Andarail: Uh, other than getting idiotically drunk after I leave, not really.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh okay.  
  
Andarial: (watch starts beeping) ooooh! Happy Hour at the Rogue Monastery! ^_^ Got to go get my ass drunk as hell! Bye! (Runs off to the Rogue Monastery)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, that concludes another episode of the Hyper Guyver Interviews, stay tuned next time, when I interview the Necromancer! Good day, and good night. 


	10. Necromancer

Disclaimer: Don't own Diablo... Now, I know that must come as some what of a shock to you... But yes, it's true...  
  
^_^ Hey everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted but well... Ah screw it! There's no point in trying to make excuses... The truth is I'm just lazy! But, on with the next chapter.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey everyone! Welcome to the next installment of my Diablo interviews! Today were on location in the Swamps lands of Sanctuary those Albinos In Black call home! That's right ladies and gentlemen; I bring you our latest guest, the Necromancer!  
  
...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, okay, 1. Where is the Necromancer? 2. Where's the necromancer's applause?!  
  
Sound Guy: Uh, were having technical difficulties...  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- What kind of technical difficulties?  
  
Sound Guy: Uh, we don't have any power for the sound effects.  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_o What?! Why not?!  
  
Sound Guy: Uh, there's no outlets for the plugs...  
  
Hyper Guyver: NO OUTLETS?!! Of course there aren't any outlets! We're in the middle of a swamp you moron!  
  
Sound Guy: Sorry... Heh, if it weren't for the fact that the camera ran on batteries, we'd pretty much be dead in the water...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Fine... Say, how long do we have on that battery?  
  
Sound Guy: Uh, forty minutes.  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O forty minutes?! (Looks around frantically) Where is that stupid Necromancer?! I didn't spend my entire allowance on this whole trip just for the scenery!!!  
  
(In the bathroom... Well, I guess it's the equivalent of a swamp bathroom...)  
  
Bathroom: (smoke seeping through the cracks)  
  
Necromancer: Yes... Spirits of the dead... Come to me... tell me your secrets... (blows out puff of smoke) Tell me... Tell me of your divine wisdom... Give me answers!  
  
Necromancer...  
  
Necromancer: Yes! Yes, I can hear you! Tell me! Tell me what it is you wish me to know!  
  
Necromancer... Get... Get...  
  
Necromancer: Get? What is it you wish me to get?! (Blows out another puff of smoke)  
  
Get.. Get... out.  
  
Necromancer: Huh?  
  
Get... out!...  
  
Necromancer: Say what now?  
  
Hyper Guyver: I said get out of the bathroom and lets get this interview started! (starts banging on the door) I swear, if your "communicating with the dead" in there, I'll personally bring your conversations to a more personal level! After I snap your pot headed neck!  
  
Necromancer: (steps out of the bathroom) Dude, mellow out.  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_o Did you just call me 'dude?'  
  
Necromancer: Uh, no?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yes you did! You called me 'Dude!'  
  
Necromancer: Uh, No I didn't.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yes you did!  
  
Necromancer: No I didn't.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yes you did!  
  
Necromancer: No I didn't!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yes you DID!  
  
Necromancer: DIDN'T!  
  
Hyper Guyver: DID!  
  
Necromancer: DIDN'!  
  
Hyper Guyver: DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Necromancer: O_O Uh, okay... Um, maybe I did... What's so bad about that?  
  
Hyper Guyver:... Uh...(scathes back of head) Uh, nothing I guess...  
  
Necromancer: -_- You're almost as moody as the Amazon.  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O Amazon?! WHERE?!!! (Jumps into tree and hides)  
  
Necromancer: O_o What the...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Looks around frantically) Er, sorry...  
  
Necromancer: Let me guess, bad break up?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, you could say that...  
  
Necromancer: I know what you mean... I went out with her for about week.. When we broke up she got half my stuff!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow, she must have one heck of divorce lawyer...  
  
Necromancer: Lawyer? No, I mean, after SHE dumped ME, then broke into my house and stole half my stuff!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (gulp) I hope I remember to lock the door before I left...  
  
Necromancer: (sob) She took my best pot plants too!! (Cries like a little girl)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Er, okay...  
  
Necromancer: (sobs) I miss you little Stevey. and Melvin. oh! And who could ever forget little Agrabania?  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O You name your pot plants?  
  
Necromancer: O_O Uh, er... well, uh... No?  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- That's pretty pathetic.  
  
Necromancer: And your one to talk?  
  
Hyper Guyver: What's that suppose to mean?  
  
Necromancer: Oh nothing... (whispers) Amazon.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (screams like a little girl) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Jumps and hides in tree again)  
  
Necromancer: Point made.  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- Can we just get on with the interview already?  
  
Sound Guy: Twenty minutes left on the camera  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O AAAHHHH!!!!!! Okay, okay... Uh, first question... What was it like being apart of the Diablo Dream Team?  
  
Necromancer: The what now?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, the Diablo Dream Team? The heroes who went to vanquish Diablo and stop his sinister brothers? The whole reason you're famous now!  
  
Necromancer: Uh, suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure... Whatever you say...  
  
Hyper Guyver: ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THAT?!!!  
  
Necromancer: Well, all I remember is, my council told me to go investigate something that was going on in the Roug's Monastery and to clear it up if necessary... Heh, while I was packing, I kind of made a mistake and took the hard stuff with me... heh, all I really remember was a druid with a camera getting slapped around by some girls, while this stupid looking paladin guy kept getting ripped to pieces by every single monster we came across... heck there was this one time, when we were in Lut Guelin, I remember this only because my pot ran out...  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- Right...  
  
Necromancer: Anyways, I ran out of pot, so once the haze lifted, I was out of my spiritual collaboration...  
  
Hyper Guyver: 'Spiritual collaboration?'  
  
Necromancer: (irritated sigh) YES! 'Spiritual collaboration!' Now, as I was saying, once the haze wore off, I was mentally conscious long enough to witness the Paladin charging at the Harem Guild screaming something about 'Succubus' and then watching as he got the crap beaten out of him. I have to admit; those Harems really could pack a punch. So after that, I restocked my supply and... well, I woke up and found an appointment on my day calendar saying something about an interview with you.  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O THAT'S ALL YOU REMEMBER?!  
  
Necromancer: That and the Amazon... (grins) Dang she was wild in the sack...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Amazon?! (Screams while jumping up and hiding in tree)  
  
Necromancer: Are you going to keep doing that?  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- If I need to...  
  
Necromancer: (sigh) whatever...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, I guess there's not much point with going on with this interview any longer... (turns to face Sound Guy)  
  
Sound Guy: Four minutes left  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Turns to face Necromancer) Well, thanks for being with us today Necro-... Hey? Where'd he go?!  
  
Bathroom: (smoke seeping through the cracks)  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- (Sigh) Fine... Well, I guess that's all for today's show folks... Next up, the Sorceress!  
  
Sound Guy: two seconds left!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) So good day, and Good Nig-  
  
Camera: *Low Battery* 


	11. Barbarian

Disclaimer:... You know how this goes...  
  
Hey Y'all! How's it been going? Sorry it's been so long since I've last updated, but I've been busy with a number of other projects, as well as school, work, and... Other stuff. So sorry for the wait and here I bring you the next installment of Interview with the Devils!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey Y'all! Hyper Guyver here to bring you yet another compelling interview with the cast members of Diablo II! Here with us today is the enigmatic mystic of the Elements, The Sorceress!  
  
(Crowd cheers)  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Hyper Guyver:... (ahem) I said, and here we have THE SORCERESS!  
  
...  
  
... (cricket chirp)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh... Could y'all give me a moment... Thanks.  
  
(Hyper Guyver pulls out a cell phone and dials a number)  
  
Hyper Guyver:... Hey! I thought you said you'd get me the Sorceress for my show today!... Wha'd ya mean she couldn't make it?!... HAIR APPOINTMENT?! THAT STUPID STUCK UP BIT-... What? Well, then who can you get me?... (sigh) I guess it's better than nothing...  
  
(Hyper Guyver Hangs ups phone)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) Well, it looks like we won't be having the Sorceress for today's show as planned (Mumbles "bitch")... So instead we'll be having the... Barbarian... (Sigh) This is going to go oh, so horribly wrong...  
  
(Ten Minutes Later)...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Er, Hi Barbarian! I've uh, heard a lot about you...  
  
Barbarian: (In a Russian Accent) All very good I hope.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (blink, blink) Uh, right... No offense, but they said you were a bit... Uh, slow.  
  
Barbarian: (still with Russain Accent) (smirking) Good then! All apart of my clever ruse!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Er, "clever ruse?"  
  
Barbarain: Yes! By portraying myself as a slow-witted buffoon, I tricked my fellow warriors into a false sense of security! Giving ample opportunity to take advantage of the situation if need be! AHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: So... The whole Dumb barbarian thing was just a trick to have a trump card against your fellow warriors during your fight with Diablo?  
  
Barbarian: Yes! All of it in the name of glorious Mother Russia!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, Barbarian?  
  
Barbarian: Yes?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, there is no Russia in Sanctuary... Just the Barbarian Highlands.  
  
Barbarian: (blink, blink) Oh, um, yes... Er, all in the name of the glorious Mother Barbarian Highlands!  
  
Hyper Guyver: And did you ever use that advantage?  
  
Barbarian: Er, no...  
  
Hyper Guyver: So you just left them thinking you're a moron?  
  
Barbarian: Um, I guess...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sweat drop) Are you sure it was ALL faking?  
  
Barbarian: (narrowing eyes) And what do you mean to imply by that? (Reaches for Axe)  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O (GULP) Uh, NOTHING! Nothing at all! It just... Er, amazes me, that you could have... uh, so... so... so much skill as an actor! Yeah! That's it!  
  
Barbarian: (Stops reaching for Axe) Oh! Yes, I have always been quite proud of my acting skills. Why, I'd made such a performance that I even made that buffoon of Paladin look good! MWAHAHA!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (still sweating) [Must... Change... SUBJECT!] So... Uh, Barbarian. I heard the Assassin has a thing for you... Uh, what you'd you think about that?  
  
Barbarian: Hmmm... Yes, she would be good to fill a few long hours during the night... Yes...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, what about love? Feeling? Emotion? You know, the sort of thing that actually goes into a relationship?  
  
Barbarian: Relationship? Who said anything about a relationship?  
  
Hyper Guyver: So you just want her around to screw when you get bored?  
  
Barbarian: That about sums it up.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) I was really hoping to go one episode without some kind of crude sex joke...  
  
Barbarian: Well that idea pretty much hit the fan didn't it?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (glares at barbarian)  
  
Barbarian: Don't even think about glaring at me.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (gulp) Sorry sir... (sigh) the only I can think of that can make this any worse was if...  
  
Ding Dong...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Considering the way this series has been going, I think it's pretty obvious who's at the door... Say... Barbarian... Up for killing someone?  
  
Barbarian: Yes.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Great! Go kill the guy at the door!  
  
Barbarian: (gets a gleeful look in his eye) YES!!! (Heads off to the front door)  
  
Seconds later...  
  
Barbarian: DIE!!!  
  
?????: AAIIIIIIEEEE!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: "AAIIIIIIIEEEE!!!!!!!!" ?? Hm, that's odd... Usually the Paladin makes more of an "AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!" kind of sound when he dies...  
  
Barbarian: (Walks back into the room carrying a pizza) Mmmmh, Pepperoni...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (blink, blink) Um, where'd that pizza come from?  
  
Barbarain: The guy I killed.  
  
Hyper Guyver: The Paladin was carrying a pizza?  
  
Barbarain: Paladin? There was no Paladin... Just a guy with a pizza and a Dominos T-shirt.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Gulp) Uh oh...  
  
Barbarian: Say, your neighbors were making a lot of commotion outside after I killed that guy... I think I'll be on my way now.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What?! You're just going to leave me here with a dead body on my porch?!  
  
Barbarian: Hasn't the Paladin laid dead on your porch on several separate occasions?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well yeah, but nobody gives a shit about him. You just killed someone of actual importance!  
  
Barbarian: A pizza boy?  
  
Hyper Guyver: YES OF COURSE A PIZZA BOY! Those guys are the backbone of this nation! If it weren't for them, we wouldn't have such quality programming like "Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place," "Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles" our relations with Italy would be in the dumps, and soccer parties would have to got to places like Subway for their victory lunch!  
  
Barbarian: Wow... I never thought of it like that...  
  
Hyper Guyver: That's right! If it weren't for Pizza boys, thousands of teenagers would starve! Kid's birthday parties would have meals of actual nutritional value, and we would be utterly deprived of a food good enough to put pepperoni on! (Turns to face camera) So next time your get a pizza delivered, make sure to leave a little extra something, something for your pizza boys! Because... Without them, what would this nation be reduced to?  
  
Barbarian: (sniff) That was beautiful.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Takes a bow) Thank you.  
  
ATTENTION: This ad was sponsored by the National Society for Preservation of Pizza Boys. Hundreds of Pizza boys a year quite their jobs because of lack of respect and care. So please... Next time you see your local pizza boy... Give him a hug, and show him just how much you care.  
  
Hyper Guyver: I'm so glad I discovered the wonderful world of commercial advertising. (Puts a huge wad of cash in his wallet). So, Barbarian, where'd we leave off with our interview?  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, barbarian?  
  
(Sees flashing police lights outside)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hm, that can't be good... (Sees a note on his table and reads it)  
  
(hem)  
  
-Dear Hyper Guyver,  
  
It appears that we will have to cut our interview short due to police intervention. I hope that we may continue this discussion at a later time.  
  
-Sincerely  
  
The Barbarian.  
  
P.S. HAIL MOTHER BARBARIAN HIGHLANDS!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, I guess that's the end of this interview. Huh, I'm kind of surprised the Paladin didn't make an appearance... Oh shit! I just jinxed it!  
  
Paladin: Hi!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Shit...  
  
(Police step through the door)  
  
Police officer: Excuse me young man. Can you tell me who did such a horrible act to this poor defenseless pizza boy?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (blink, blink)... Uh... (Light Bulb) ^_^ Why yes I can officer! IT WAS HIM! (Points to Paladin) THE GUY WITH THE SWORD!  
  
Paladin: Wha?  
  
Police Officer: (tackles Paladin) You are under arrest you sick bastard! For the murder of a poor defenseless Pizza boy! That poor pizza boy... (Glares) I hope they throw the book at you, you son of Bitch!  
  
Paladin: Eep! (Gets dragged off)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow... This ended better than most of my other interviews... (Looks at the front porch) Hey! They didn't even take the Pizza boy's body with them! What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Well, I guess I'll have to clean up this mess. Well, thanks for tuning in for another episode of Interviews with the Devils, stay tuned next time, when I interview the... (sigh) I guess I can't put this off forever... Stay tuned next time, when I interview... the Paladin...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, good day, and good night!...  
  
...Now where did I put that damn mop... 


End file.
